


Harry Potter, and The Cursed Child

by Sithindor



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Book: Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, Canon Relationships, Cursed Child isn't canon, Established Relationship, Gen, George ships Scorbus, Harry Potter characters read Cursed Child, Humor, I hope, Implied Relationships, One Shot, Potter Puppet Pals, and Hope, my personal theory, trolley witch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 08:15:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7750195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sithindor/pseuds/Sithindor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One-Shot. During his fifth year, Harry Potter agreed to let a witch named J. K. Rowling document his time in school and (ultimately) his defeat of Lord Voldemort. It was all just wonderful until Jo wrote Cursed Child. After agreeing that it's truly the worst and most offending thing they ever read, including every Rita Skeeter article combined, a few survivors of the Battle of Hogwarts decide to see in in the theater, just to see why everyone who's seen it says it's so good. Little did they know...</p>
<p>This little work of mine is less of a real fanfiction and more of a (quite desperate) fan theory wrapped up in a story. So even if you were planning to just skip this over, please please PLEASE just read the theory in the notes at the bottom. Let it spark in you a little sense of hope. Potterheads need that right now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Harry Potter, and The Cursed Child

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Make sure you see my theory at the bottom when you're done reading! Oh, and this is my first work ever, so please, tell me how I'm doing! What about my writing style should I change, or do you like? Any praise or (constructive) criticism is welcome! Thanks, and enjoy!

On the first Hogsmeade weekend of the year during their fifth year, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were approached by a witch named Jo Rowling. She claimed to be a wonderful writer (and certainly was) and told them that it was her dream to document their - especially Harry's - journey through school. She wanted the books to be made public for both wizards and Muggles alike. All she asked was for their consent, and their input.

It didn't take much thought before Harry agreed.

He and Jo spent the next few months persuading everyone necessary to their story to give them their consent to be included. Eventually, everyone agreed. Jo began interviewing witches and wizards relentlessly. She and Harry spent late nights together piecing together bits of the story. By the end of Harry's school career, by the time Voldemort and Tonks and Lupin and Snape and Fred and all the Fallen Fifty had died, the first book in seven had been released.

Everyone happily went along for the ride, but were relieved when 2007 rolled around and they were no longer being forced to relive the painful events of the War. None of them were quite happy with Jo's idea of the epilogue; who knew what their lives would really be like in 2017? It would be quite a disappointment to say that "all was well" just to have some horrible tragedy rip them all apart. After the seventh book was released, they distanced themselves from Jo Rowling. But she wasn't done yet.

On her website Pottermore, Jo continued giving the Muggles updates on the wizarding world, some which she couldn't have even known were true. The Muggles were dying for more. They joked amongst themselves that if they looked into the Mirror of Erised, they would see their Queen Rowling announcing a new Harry Potter book. So that's what she decided to give them.

Almost.

On August 31, 2016, Harry and Ginny Potter, Ron and Hermione Weasley, George and Angelina Weasley, Luna Lovegood, and Neville Longbottom walked into a bookstore, all of their children safely deposited at the Burrow with Mrs. Weasley. It was crowded - what else could it have been on a day like today - but there were enough copies of  _The Cursed Child_ to go around. Each bought their own copy with the Galleons they had converted into Muggle money at Gringotts earlier that day; each desperately wanted to know what Jo had in mind for their future and the future of their children.

They left the bookshop, found a secluded spot devoid of Muggles, and Apparated to 12 Grimmauld Place.

The witches and wizards went straight to the living room where they sprawled unceremoniously across couches and the floor, beginning to read. It was only a couple of minutes before people started commenting. "Scorpius, the son of Voldemort?!" Hermione said, shocked.

Harry burst out angrily, "Albus! In  _Slytherin?!_ Seriously??"

"Albus friends with Malfoy's son is what I'm more concerned about," Ron muttered.

"What happened to 'bravest man you ever knew,' Harry?" George teased. "Forgetting those beautiful words Jo Rowling quoted you saying? Oh wait... I forgot..."

"Can we just shut up and continue reading?" Ginny said. "I'm actually enjoying this. It's funny. She says that Astoria dies."

"Astoria dies!" Angelina exclaimed, but everyone shushed her.

Another few minutes, and then... "Cedric Diggory!" It was Harry again. "She's bringing this all back to Cedric Diggory! Honestly!"

"Bother Cedric Diggory," Neville said, "but the trolley witch! The  _trolley witch!_ " He started rocking with laughter, and after a few seconds, tears were streaming down his face. 

"Woah, slow down!" George exclaimed. "Where are you?" He skimmed the next few pages, and when he got to the part Neville was on, he too began to laugh. "Oh Merlin! The trolley witch! Never, ever would I have thought! Oh, Jo, you're hilarious!" He continued reading through his tears of mirth. "Fred and I- never- never never would have tried to get off the Hogwarts Express. We loved H-"

But he was cut off by Ron getting to the trolley witch scene. "The Pumpkin Pasties are grenades!  _The Pumpkin Pasties are grenades_! Oh my God!"

Eventually, after each had read the scene and they spent twenty minutes laughing over it, they were able to continue reading.

It was Hermione who commented next. "Polyjuice Potion in the Ministry of Magic gives me serious flashbacks. Oh, make it stop."

"NO ALBUS DO NOT KISS YOUR AUNT!!!" Angelina shrieked.

"God, I'm so stupid, leaving that Time-Turner in a bookshelf," Hermione said. "Remind me not to do that next time."

A few minutes, then: "Alright, I guess I can buy the broken Time-Turner, but someone tell me why Albus now has a broken arm?" Ginny asked. "And who says 'thank Dumbledore'?"

"Wait, Padma?" Ron gasped. "Padma  _Patil_? Cedric Diggory not winning the Triwizard Tournament cannot  _possibly_ make me marry Padma Patil.  _What on Earth is Panju? Is that even a name? WHAT?!?"_

"'Albus looks up at Scorpius and his heart breaks,'" George read. "'Albus is torn between his dad and his friend.' 'Scorpius is left looking up after him. Heartbroken.' I 100% ship Scorbus. Yes. This is happening. Sorry, Harry.

"HARRY YOU WILL NOT USE THAT BEAUTIFUL MAP FRED AND I GAVE YOU TO PREVENT ALBUS FROM SEEING HIS BOYFRIEND. NO. OR ELSE I WILL TAKE IT BACK."

"Aww, Hermione, you're only so bitter because you're not with me. How adorable."

"Yeah, Hermione," George added. "You sound just like Snape."

About twenty minutes later, all of them had caught up to each other, right at the end of Part One. This made for great drama, as all of them - excepting Luna, who hadn't spoken a word yet - shouted at the same time, "WHAT THE  _HELL_ IS VOLDEMORT DAY?!?!???"

They looked up at each other for a split second before reading on. "For Voldemort and Valor, that's my new motto," George said dryly.

"A Blood Ball. Basically a Hunger Games for Muggleborns, where the Purebloods are the Mutts. Not insensitive at all," Hermione commented.

"CEDRIC'S A DEATH EATER???"

"SNAPE!" This time, it was all of them who shouted, even Luna. She began chanting quietly, "Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. Snape, Snape, Severus Snape-"

"Dumbledore!" George exclaimed.

It was a common ritual among the group of friends. Ever since they had first heard of the Potter Puppet Pals and Hermione introduced them to the Internet, this song had been stuck in their heads as if it was glued there with a Permanent Sticking Charm. It took them five minutes to sing the song (all day long at HOOOGWAARTS), some of them doubling up on parts, but eventually they got back to reading. 

"I'm dead!" Neville exclaimed. "Cedric killed me. Oh, no.

"Do you guys think that... there's really a universe where I'm dead?"

"I'm sure there's a universe where all of us are dead," Luna said.

"Sure, if you go by Jo's rule in this play."

They all appreciated that Snape was still good in this strange universe, but didn't appreciate his, Ron's, and Hermione's demises, not to mention those of all the people they didn't see die but knew were dead, like Neville and Harry. They were quite glad when it was over.

A few minutes later: "Great, you're telling us NOW that Delphi is a psychopath," Ron said.

"CEDRIC SAVES THEM AND I'M CRYING!!!" Angelina really was crying.

"SHE'S VOLDEMORT'S. FRICKING. DAUGHTER. FRICK." George said.

"What drug were you on when you wrote this, Jo?" Ron asked.

"I want to try it," George said with a grin.

"We're fighting. To protect Voldemort!" Harry said angrily.

"Since when can you  _transfigure_ into someone?" Hermione asked.

"Great, I enjoy watching my parents die," Harry said dryly.

"Again," Luna added helpfully.

"Wasn't Sirius supposed to be here? Where is Sirius? Doesn't that negate the whole Hagrid-bringing-you-to-the-Dursleys-on-Sirius's-bike thing?" Hermione said, then added a few seconds later, "How did we manage to get back with the Time-Turner? Time-Turners can't do that! And this one is working!"

"Wow, I swear, Scorpius asking out Rose is just Jo's way of saying, 'Well, Jack and John and I have been building up extreme sexual tension between Albus and Scorpius throughout this entire play, but I promise no homo! This is very okay for children!' WHERE IS MY SCORBUS???" This, of course, was George.

Each of them finished the book, and each slammed it down onto the nearest flat surface they could find. They were quite angry, both at the fact that Jo thought she could mess with their futures like that and because it was, to say the least, the worst thing Jo Rowling had ever written (or overseen being written). In their humble opinions. They couldn't understand how the Muggles could possibly be satisfied with it: Where was Teddy Lupin, everyone's favorite orphan (sorry, Harry)? Where was Neville, everyone's favorite underdog who rose to be the savior of them all? Where was George, the surviving twin that everyone wanted to catch up with, or at least just see how he was coping?

"I'm not  _that_ bad of a father," Harry said, teary-eyed, as he flipped back to that horrible line he uttered in the first act. 

"How  _dare_ she write this," Hermione whispered, her face red.

"Technically she didn't," George said, "but yes, i agree with you."

For a moment, the room became tensely silent. Then everyone started screaming at the same time (minus Luna, who just watched the entertainment). The next half hour was spent with each letting out their anger, each screaming their dissatisfaction with the injustice of the work. The half hour after that was spent with each of them diffusing silently on their own time. Finally, Hermione broke the silence, saying something that surprised them all. "I want to go see it on stage."

" _WHAT?!?_ "

"I want to see it on stage. You know what everyone's been saying, how it's so good. So, I want to see what they're talking about."

"Me too," Neville said. "I think that's a really good idea. Certainly worth a few Galleons."

They all agreed in the end, and Hermione hurried to book them tickets. They were for a Saturday, so they would get to see both parts of the play on the same day. They each marked their calendars and waited with bated breath for the day to arrive.

On the day of the play, they all met up at the Burrow and took a taxi to London. They waited on an incredibly long line to get in, but finally took their seats in a dark auditorium. The curtains rose, and the play began.

At first, they each groaned inwardly as the play seemed to start off on the same note. But then, suddenly, it took a turn; it went in a completely different direction than the script. There was George and Angelina and Fred II. There was Neville, shining as the Herbology Teacher. And Teddy Lupin, who didn't make a huge appearance (as he wasn't still in school) but who also shone as well. There were no plot-holes, no out-of-character moments, and best of all, no Time-Turners. It made them laugh, it made them cry, it made them do both simultaneously. When it was over, they couldn't wait until Part Two.

The second part was just as amazing as the first. Even Luna appeared on stage. There was no resurrection of Snape and no death of everyone else. Halfway through, Frank and Alice Longbottom appeared, completely recovered from their insanity (which caused Neville to cry, but happily, since he was working on how to bring them back). It was simply the best play they had ever seen, and they now understood what all the buzz was about.

When the curtains finally dropped the final time, even after everyone else had already left the the auditorium, the eight of them were still sitting there, shocked. It was Angelina who finally made them get up and leave. 

"That was... amazing," Ginny said to Harry.

In the back of the group, Luna was crying on Neville, who had blotchy eyes himself. "I'm just feeling so many emotions right now and I don't know what life means anymore!" she sobbed. Neville patted her back, bewildered.

They all tried to make a speedy exit in case Muggles happened to spot them (although everyone was in costume anyway), but they were blocked by a pretty, blonde-haired woman. "Hello," she said.

"Jo!" they all exclaimed. "I think I can forgive you now," George added.

She smiled. "I thought you guys would appreciate it. Did you like what we did with the script?"

"You evil, sadistic woman!" Ron shouted. "You tricked  _everyone_!" He was laughing, however.

She laughed too. "I'm a highly influential person. It's incredible what I can have people do. Now, let's go before people notice me."

They walked out the theater and into the cool night air, where they had to part ways. "Remember guys. Keep the secrets."

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this work mainly because I REFUSE to believe that JK Rowling approved the book/script that is Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. I refuse. Never before has she let us down like this, and I sincerely hope that she still hasn't. This is my theory: the script released is just a scam, a hoax, to prevent us all from knowing what really happens in the play. Either that, or I want a Leteo procedure, please and thank you. Hear me out. Why else would she have been so keen for everyone to #KeepTheSecrets? Why else would everyone who has seen the play performed think that it's so good, comparing it even to Hamilton (HAMILTON)? Visual effects or not, if they saw the same storyline that we all did, how did nobody notice the GAPING plot holes and the random, crackish scenes thrown in there (two words: TROLLEY WITCH). Please, if you approve my theory, bookmark, leave Kudos, comment. And remember, this is JK ROWLING we're talking about. QUEEN ROWLING. You know what the HP fandom is like. We would do anything, keep any secret, tell any lie, fight in any war if she merely said the word. If I manage to see Cursed Child on stage, and if my theory is correct, I know I will certainly keep the secret as well.


End file.
